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Tuesday, September 1, 2009

My Body, Myself, My Daughter

When I was about 12 or 13 years old, we were visiting my grandparents on the Chickahominy River one summer. I vividly remember walking out onto the pier in my one-piece swimsuit, when my Nana saw me and declared, "Why, dahlin' -- look at you! You've got hips!"

In retrospect, I am certain that Nana meant it as a compliment. At the time, I was mortified. Horrified. Wanted to melt into a puddle and slide off into the river and sink deep down into the muddy bottom. At that age, I was self-conscious enough about my body and the effects of puberty (or lack of effects, in some areas) that the last thing I needed was to know that someone else was noticing me -- even if that someone was my grandmother who loved me very much.

Now, more than 20 years later, I'm still afraid that people might look at me in a swimsuit and critique what they see. The truth is that probably no one is paying that much attention to me and that I am my own worst critic.

But I'm trying hard to get over that -- after two babies, I'm starting to realize that I actually looked great in my 20s, so I trust that I'll think I looked good in my 30s when my 40-ish self is looking back at photos. That's the thought that motivates me to put on a bikini when I'm at the beach -- that, plus the fact that it makes my husband very happy to see me in one.

But what worries me even more than how I look is how my body-image issues might affect my daughter.

Right now, Pippi is roly-poly round and absolutely gorgeous -- her toddler belly pops out in front of her, she has tan-lines in the pudgy creases in her forearms and thighs, and every ounce of it is beautiful. She's also completely uninhibited (see photo -- she's preferred to be topless at the beach all week, too) and has no thoughts about what her body should and shouldn't be. I want so much to help her stay like that, to always believe that she is beautiful and that her body is exactly how it should be.

But given that I haven't managed to feel that way about myself in three decades -- and given all the forces around her that will shout about the need to be thin or have big breasts or look a certain way -- how do I teach her to hear a different, stronger voice inside her head?

I think it might start with me, my voice, and the voices of other people who love her. Maybe if her father and I and her grandparents and our friends all talk about being healthy and confident, then she'll have some defenses built up to fight against those other voices.

When she was a newborn, my dad would hold her and say to her, "You are SOOOOOOOO beautiful," in this sweet, sing-song voice. She always smiles at him when he says that, like she knows exactly what he means. Hopefully, when her Nanna and Nonna comment on her pre-teen body one day, she'll smile and say, "Thank you -- I think I look so beautiful, too."

6 comments:

  1. this is something i struggle with, too, now that i'm a daddy for an almost-9-month old little girl. my hopes are the same for my daughter as yours are for lil Pippi.

    Good luck, and if you figure out an answer, please share it.

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  2. I so appreciate these posts. I remember the first time an adult commented on my hips. Unfortunately, it was a certain 11th grade English Teacher/Cross Country Coach. I am still working on the "getting over it" part!

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  3. Love those buns.

    You're ahead of the game compared to me. I STILL won't wear a bikini and haven't since... umm... I was two, I think. Talk about body issues, I know exactly when mine really revved up too. Summer after Freshman year, at camp, and a fellow female camper said as I was leaned over an auditorium seat talking to a boy, "Look at her using her boobs to get his attention. What a hoe." After that I walked everywhere with my arms folded over my chest esp at the pool.

    I hope you do find a way to keep her confident. Our society makes it very difficult.

    -Abby

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  4. Brilliant. Just brilliant. The post, you, and your lovely bod are fantastic!

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  5. @Thomasson -- the fact that you're even thinking about it already gives your daughter a step in the right direction.

    @Stella -- sadly, I know exactly who you're talking about. I was very naive in high school, but even I knew he was skeevy. Ugh. Makes me sad for you that you have to carry that memory around that should never happen.

    @sweetbaboo -- as someone who always worried that I didn't have enough boobs to get any attention, I say you uncross your arms and show those girls off!

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  6. While I don't specifically know how to "teach her to hear a different, stronger voice inside her head," I do know that you've established a good strong village and there will be many who will help lead her to that path.

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